Giving Less Fucks for a Life More Fulfilled

This week has been heavy. 

I’ve spent so many years of my life as a perfectionist, and being an empath only adds to that struggle. Not only do I hold myself to an impossibly high standard, I also get easily swept up in all the feelings of people around me. Like a sailboat at sea, at the mercy of the wind and weather. 

I have spent most of my life seeing myself through someone else's eyes. Everyone else’s eyes. Rarely looking from the inside out. For me it was parents, church, friends and whatever boy I had a crush on.

True to how it usually happens, after sweeping it under the rug for years, God asked me to look this issue in the face. As my favorite quote from the Alchemist says, “When you want something, all of the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” But at what expense? Do we just get to place an order with God and sit back on our couch waiting for it to happen? “Hey, I’d like a kick ass adventurous life where I get to motivate and teach others to do the same, but I’d like to play it safe, too.” No. We have to leverage this order with action. So for me, right now, action looks like facing the issue of giving too many fucks. Too many fucks of what other people think. Too many fucks of failing. And overall just giving too many fucks on all the possible outcomes. You feel me? Cool. IDGAF. 

Kidding, I do. <3

They say out of pain comes transformation and out of darkness you find the light. They, whoever “they” are, nailed it. 

One of my biggest fears my whole life has been disappointing my parents - this is one of the BIGGEST fucks I’ve given. I was a perfectionist in school, bringing home good grades, winning competitions, pleasing the teachers and basically being a slave to anything that I could get approval from. Clearly that wasn’t sustainable and just left me exhausted and clueless as to what I actually wanted. 

Then one day, I became an adult. I realized that there’s this tricky transition into figuring out who we are and whether that aligns with how we were raised or “programmed”. And lemme tell ya, in my opinion this is one of the hardest parts of being an adult. I realize that it isn’t everyone’s struggle, but it is to me, as recorded in my diary of an angry empath. 

Life goes on and you start living your life. Whoo hooo! Look ma, no hands! 

So, what do you do when one of your biggest fears comes true? What do you do when your parents' feedback is that they’re disappointed in your life decisions? You go into a place deep inside you that has been asking to be looked at for years. And you sit there, quietly, looking at what comes up. You connect with the child version of you that you thought was long gone. In that silence, you see that you are still that child. 

You are still acting on programming from your formative years and that your inner child is still scared of abandonment. 

You realize the needs you had back then that you didn’t know how to express, and never had met, have been playing out in your adult life.

You also realize that this is true for everyone, even the parents that, as a child, you thought knew everything. They are still that child too, looking for their needs to be met. Doing their best with what they know is true for them. Swallow that pill of unconditional love. 

This process can bring us face to face with the higher power that created us, sitting quietly with us as we face this wall of realization. This force is always with us, but usually noticed and acknowledged more in the hard times. 

These are the moments when I get it. I understand duality. I understand why we have to go through pain and healing, as different as that looks for each and every one of us.

Personally, I understand why I have to face the fear of abandonment and rejection to live a free life that fulfills every cell of my being. Aka, give less fucks about everyone’s opinion of my life.

I understand that this part of my journey is making me stronger for the next part. 

Most importantly, I understand how moving past the fear of abandonment, rejection and failure allows me to sit here and share this with you in my most vulnerable state. And that, my friends, is how we impact the world. We create a safe space for others to open up through our vulnerability and authenticity. We allow the safety of non-judgmental openness to show the connection between all of us on this planet. Connection is the goal. Love is the outcome. 

We live in this vast universe that’s working in our favor, but to experience the joy of that in its entirety, we have to appreciate the connection between all things. The connection between us and the human next to us, and the connection between us and God that runs through each living thing on this planet. 

So, in a roundabout way, my tough week is showing me that I have to fully and unapologetically express myself in going after my dreams. For both myself and others. Then and only then, will I be able to shine the unique light inside of me. Like a lighthouse in the storm, for the other sailboats on their journey back home.